When you gamble with your health, you've got to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. From the hideous anti-smoking PSA. Joe DeVito at Wise Guys Comedy Club, Syracuse Sept. 19

Like many other comics, I have an old-ass joke about the commercial with the neck-hole guy chillin' at the pool. Here's what I learned from one of those dudes who happened to be in the audience one night. From Wise Guys Comedy Club, Syracuse NY. Sept, 19, 2009.

The French have a hamster-themed hotel, which means it's one of the better smelling places to stay. Joe DeVito on Red Eye w/Greg Gutfeld, air date 11.20.09. Copyright FOX News Channel, abominable video transfer by moi.

Terrorists and convicted felons, watch your step! Joe DeVito - who all of a sudden seems to think he went to law school - makes a stupid face, an excellent point, and a quick joke. Red Eye w/Greg Gutfeld, air date 11.20.09. Copyright FOX News Channel, awful video transfer by remaining nameless.

Sitting at the table like a big boy! Featuring my $7 suit jacket, Faith Salie wants my sperm, Faith Salie wants my sperm again, and some hot three-way action. From Red Eye w/Greg Gutfeld, aired 10.30.09. Copyright FOX News Channel

A few of the sensible life lessons I've learned from watching true crime shows. From the totally awesome 500% Italian Show at Gotham Comedy Club's Vintage Lounge, 10.11.09.

Some wisecrackery from my 8.18.09 appearance on Red Eye w/Greg Gutfeld, zinging Michael Vick, "mate poachers" and more. Clips copyright FOX News Channel.

What better way to acknowledge Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor than with some ridiculous stereotyping? Recorded 6/18/2009 at Governor's in Levittown, Long Island, where they might need a slightly larger logo on the stage backdrop.

A quick clip of my thoughts on prison food and the importance of Third Amendment rights. Clip copyright 2009 FOX News

Some prime jackassery from yours truly. Sorry about stepping out of frame for half this clip. From Casba Comedy Club in Wildwood, NJ 5.23.09. p.s. What I discovered after the show: thanks to my poor eyesight and the stage lights, I couldn't tell the girl I was talking to really WAS a teenager there with her family. D'oh!

The truth? You can't handle the truth!* Dealing with dumb questions from dumber co-workers. Joe DeVito at New York Comedy Club, 5.15.09 * Actually, the truth is more like twice a day

Are you in the mood for some rhetorical questions? Then let me hear you say, "Wait, how are we supposed to answer that..." Joe DeVito at New York Comedy Club 5.15.09

Cinco de Mayo just doesn't seem the same this year thanks to the Swine Flu 2009. Tourism is way down and even my notoriously out-of-the-loop parents canceled their upcoming trip to Cancun. If you recall, before the outbreak stole headlines, Mexico was having dress rehersals for a civil war. So heading south of the border makes as much sense as visiting Baghdad during flea and tick season, or booking a cruise through the Horn of Africa on the S.S. Minnow. Call me old fashioned, but I don't like seeing Mexicans wearing masks unless they're ready to wrestle each other. It's against nature! Part of the problem is the moniker "Swine Flu" itself. Israeli Deputy Health Minister Yakov Litzman lobbied for a change to "Mexican Flu" as not to offend Jews and Muslims, who don't like pork but apparently aren't worried about offending Mexicans. Of course, Mexican officials were duly offended and pushed for the name "H1N1 Virus," which in turn offended Milton Bradley, makers of the game Battleship. The important thing is to remember a little prevention goes a long way: 1) Keep a little vinegar or a bleach and water solution in a spray bottle so you can wipe down any immigrants you might encounter 2) Stay away from enclosed spaces like airplanes, clown cars, and the borough of Manhattan 3) Do NOT blow your nose into a pork chop 4) Return that DVD of the movie "Babe" to NetFlix immediately If you have further questions, please refer to this helpful video.

Was I watching a press conference or a rerun of "Deep Impact?" Only his hairdresser knows for sure! Comedian Joe DeVito at Cap City Comedy Club in Austin TX, April 11, 2009.

Avast, ye landlubbers, here's another quick bit about the Somali pirates. Joe DeVito walks the plank at Governor's Comedy Club, Long Island April 23, 2009.

You may have heard these bits - each appalling in their own right - before, but when combined they form an unholy trinity of grossness that can only be followed by, "Thank you, and good night!" Comedian Joe DeVito at Joker's Wild in New Haven, CT April 4, 2009.

a.k.a. "Don't shit in your own mess kit." Based on a true story! For some reason, when I write out my set lists I always refer to this joke as "Workplace Romance." Seems a little formal, don't you think? From Joker's Wild in New Haven CT, April 4, 2009

Here's a youthful 165-lb me pulling 5015.5 lbs at a USPF deadlift contest in 1996. Drug-free, and good enough for third place. I competed for a few years (best DL was 535 at 181, raw) before injuries and other interests took over.

If these women were real sports fans, they'd man up and get catheters. Comedian Joe DeVito on "potty parity" at the new Yankees Stadium. From Red Eye w/Greg Gutfeld, April 14, 2009. Video copyright FOX News Corp. 2009.

Thomas Jefferson sent the U.S. Navy to fight the Barbary Pirates, and now President Obama is ready to kick some pirate butt. What else do they have in common...? And where the heck is Johnny Depp when you need him? Comedian Joe DeVito on Red Eye w/Greg Gutfeld, April 14, 2009. Clips copyright FOX News Corp 2009.