Cinco de Mayo just doesn't seem the same this year thanks to the Swine Flu 2009. Tourism is way down and even my notoriously out-of-the-loop parents canceled their upcoming trip to Cancun. If you recall, before the outbreak stole headlines, Mexico was having dress rehersals for a civil war. So heading south of the border makes as much sense as visiting Baghdad during flea and tick season, or booking a cruise through the Horn of Africa on the S.S. Minnow. Call me old fashioned, but I don't like seeing Mexicans wearing masks unless they're ready to wrestle each other. It's against nature! Part of the problem is the moniker "Swine Flu" itself. Israeli Deputy Health Minister Yakov Litzman lobbied for a change to "Mexican Flu" as not to offend Jews and Muslims, who don't like pork but apparently aren't worried about offending Mexicans. Of course, Mexican officials were duly offended and pushed for the name "H1N1 Virus," which in turn offended Milton Bradley, makers of the game Battleship. The important thing is to remember a little prevention goes a long way: 1) Keep a little vinegar or a bleach and water solution in a spray bottle so you can wipe down any immigrants you might encounter 2) Stay away from enclosed spaces like airplanes, clown cars, and the borough of Manhattan 3) Do NOT blow your nose into a pork chop 4) Return that DVD of the movie "Babe" to NetFlix immediately If you have further questions, please refer to this helpful video.